I'LL HIT YOU...
I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and
a plane ticket back!
I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit!
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!
DUMB...
You're so dumb you think socialism means partying!
You're so dumb you think manual labor is a Mexican!
You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"!
You so stupid you probably think Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone
bill.
You so dumb you got blonde roots in your eyeballs.
Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away
all the W's.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.
UGLY...
She was so ugly... they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla
biscuits
You're so ugly you'd make a train take a dirt road!
You're so ugly when you walk into a bank, they turn the cameras off!
You're so ugly, if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you
for mooning!
You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest, they'd say "Sorry, no
professionals!"
You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends!
You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!
You're so ugly if my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to
walk backwards!
You're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother!
You're so ugly when you were born, your mother saw the afterbirth and said
"Twins!"
You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped
the clock!
She's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
She's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Your face so so ugly when you cry the tears run up your face.
Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot.
Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the
dog to play with you.
FAT...
You're so fat when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the HOUSE
You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!
You're so fat if you weighed five more pounds, you could get group
insurance!
You're so fat you get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and
oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
You're so fat if you got your shoes shined, you'd have to take his word for
it!
Your so fat, that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people
you are backing up.
Your so fat, that you have to use a mattress as a maxi-pad.
GENERAL...
'Scuse me, I can't seem to find my dick. Mind if I look in your mother's
mouth?
Your wife said she liked seafood. So I gave her crabs.
Are those your tits, or did Laurel and Hardy leave you their heads?
Is that an accent, or is your mouth just full of sperm?
If I had change for a buck, I could have been your dad!
The difference between your mama and a rooster? The rooster says
cock-a-doodle doo, your mama says any-cock'll do. I would have been your
dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change.
You're so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad.
You're like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on.
MOTHERS...
I saved your mother's life today... I killed a shiteating dog on the way
over.
Your mother's armpits are so hairy it looks like she had Buckwheat in a
headlock.
Your mother's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Your mom's so fat, her yearbook picture was an aerial photo.
Your mom's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Your mom's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
They say that beauty is only a light switch away, with your mom I had to
use a black light.
Your mom's so stupid it takes her a half hour to make minute rice.
Your mom's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
Your mom's got snakeskin teeth.
Your mom's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section w/a fishing rod.
Your mom's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing Her peanuts.
Your mom's got hair on her tongue and she gargles w/curl activator.
Your mom's got a wooden leg w/a real foot.
Your mom's got a leather wig w/suede sideburns.
Your momma's so fat, she jumped up in the air -- AND GOT STUCK!
Your mother's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
Your mother's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Your mother's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Your Mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth & two in her pocket.
Your Mama's breath's so strong, she be blowin' bubbles with Now & Laters.
Your Mama's so old, her birthday's expired.
Your Mother is so stupid, she needs a ruler beside her bed to see how long
she can sleep.
Your Mother is so dumb, she got hit by a cup and said she got mugged.
Your Mother is so old, I told her to start acting her age and the bitch
died.
Your mama's so old she owes Jesus Christ a quarter
Your mama's so poor she went to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway
Your mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money
Your mama's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Your Mama's So fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was
backing up
Your Mama's So stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Your Mama's So fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Your Mama's So stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign,
she went home and got 16 friends
Your Mama's So fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Your Mama's So fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Your Mama's So fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Your Mama's So fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued"
Your Mama's So nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist
to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Your Mama's So fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Your Mama's So ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
Your Mama's So ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Your Mama's So ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a
treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Your Mama's So old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died.
Your Mama's So ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Your Mama's So ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Your Mama's So ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for
Star Wars.
Your Mama's So poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked
her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Your Mama's So fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Your Mama's So ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,
they put it around her neck
Your Mama's So ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillence cameras
Your Mama's So fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Your Mama's So stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran
outside with a spoon
Your Mama's So fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE
HOUSE!
Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time,
please"
Your Mama's So stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment"
because she couldn't read.
Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the
dogs to play with her.
Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people
say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Your Mama's So ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Your Mom's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers
Your Mom's like a doorknob... everybody gets a turn
Your Mom's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick
Your Mom's like a bowling ball you can fit three fingers in
Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter
Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always comes back for more
Your Mom's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served
Your Mom's like Denny's... open 24 hours
Your Mom's like a shotgun... give her a cock and she blows
Your Mom's like 7up...never had it never will.
Your mama's like a railroad track: She gets laid all over the country.
Your mama's like a T.V.: A two year old could turn her on.
Your mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
Your mama's like Crazy Eddie, she's practically giving it all away
You're mother's so dumb...she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
Your mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
Your mom is like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her
away.
You mom is so fat, everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot.
Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the
dog to play with you.
Your so fat, that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people
you are backing up.
Your so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad.
Your so fat, that you have to use a matress as a maxi-pad.
Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away
all the W's.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Your like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on.
Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.
You're mother's so dumb...
..she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
..heard it was chilly outside and grabbed a bowl.
..got hit by a parked car.
Insults...
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it
yet.
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll
say your stupidity.
Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I
feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already
without your working so hard to give us another?
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much
as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that
many people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to
take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the
front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she
believes in infanticide.
No one should be punished for accident of birth but you look too much like
a wreck not to be.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would
be made to suffer and here you came along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will
fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that
tell me to kill you.
It's your life --- but I wish you'd let us have it.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
eat.
I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I'll think
so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you
WERE dead.
I admire your because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a
thief and a cheat.
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.
Your girlfriend tells me that your lovemaking is like going to the dentist...sit back, relax...you won't feel a thing!
I was going to give you a present but I know not how to wrap a bath tub. (Eston Woodreef - Barony of Couer dEnnui-SCA)
So you're the one that put the "P" in the Gene Pool!
I've heard your body has been compared to prime real estate...the problem is how many times has it been rented out...or...but the rent is real cheap...or...and tenants keep moving in and out. (slightly re-written from a clip from a Pro Wrestling ad!)
It's unfortunate about your gambling problem. I heard last week that you lost you whole paycheck playing solitare! (Roger- Fencing Booth Practice Dummy)
I heard your family was so poor, that if you weren't a boy there wouldn't have been anything to play with at all.
Your mother/sister is so ugly that dogs hump their legs with their eyes closed.
You are so dumb, you think that martial arts are paintings by the sheriff.
I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
If fat were gasoline, you'd have enough to circle the earth 3 TIMES!
You look like you've been pulled backward through a knothole.
You look like you've been rode hard and put away wet.
Your face can shrivel a man like a 3 hour bath.
Your mother is so big, that her graduation picture had to be an aerial view.
If art imitates life, you'd be a black velvet painting.
What is that on you head? A hairball from a mountain lion?
I'd get more pleasure from running my nostrils down a tree (or cactus), than being with you.
Your mother was raped by a German Shepherd and you are the after effect.
Your face could turn Medusa to stone.
You have the intellegence of a bucket of rocks.
Your origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under your family tree.
You have the shape of a stocking filled with dung.
Your mouth is so big, you could suck an egg from a chicken.
You are as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread.
You have less backbone than a chocolate eclair.
You have the warm personal charm of a millipede.
You are so dumb, that when asked your name, you are stuck for an answer.
Your face looks as if you were weaned on a pickle.
You do not understand men (or women) as you have never successfully depicted one.
You have about as much class as a lawn flamingo.
The eyes are the window to the mind and your eyes look like the holes in a privy.
Your fragrance of choice is "Eau De Skunk".
Please sit down and take a mess off your feet.
You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.
You are such a sourpuss, that when you suck a lemon---the lemon makes a face.
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.
Your skin is so soft, just like the texture of smut that grows on corn.
You have such a full round face---just like a baboon's butt.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose.
Your brain is so weak, you have to wear crutches under your ears.
One night spent with you and men volunteer to become eunuchs.
You know, I do understand you. I have a way with dumb animals.
The only time you ever got to second base was at the petting zoo.
Is that your face--or are you breaking it in for a bulldog?
You have an hourglass figure. Too bad the sand settled in all the wrong places.
You have such a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck?
Travel broadens a person. You look as if you have been all over the world.
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.
A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.
You are so dumb, you think "getting lucky" is finding a penny on the ground.
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.
Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.
You wear so much makeup, that you leave a clown imprint on your pillowcase.
Was it hard learning to be so ugly or were you a quick study?
If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor operation.
Is that your nose or did you inhale a cantaloupe?
You are so dumb, you think a blood vessel is some kind of ship.
You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.
You are so dumb, you thought a buttress was a female goat.
You are so dumb, you think manual labor is the president of Mexico.
Stagnant pond scum licker
Maggot muncher
Litreen lips
3 week old road kill
Snail snot
Odiferous octupus ooze
Pompous proliferator of putrid puns
Lizard lips
Vulture vomit
You must come from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You are so ugly, you have put a new definition on road kill.
Your mother is so near-sighted, she propositions statues.
Your face is a waste of molecules.
You perplex me--usually someone with your limited physical appeal makes up for it with a REAL personality.
Waiting for you to say something intelligent is like putting a candle in the window for Jimmy Hoffa.
If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
I wish your charm could be bottled--then a cork could be put in it.
Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.
You appear to be the culmination of years of major genetic mishaps.
So--How is that bladder control problem?
You have been fooled more times than a public welfare worker.
They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like, obviously he never met you.
I heard you spend your spare time chasing carriages and eating Alpo.
Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity.
Your mother is so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Your mother is so fat, she had to be baptized in the Atlantic Ocean.
When they made you, they broke the mold---and beat the mold maker.
You are so dumb, when told that it's chilly outside, you get a bowl.
You have such big puppy dog eyes. Reminds me of the dog we put to sleep.
I understand your father found a previously unknown use for sheep...WOOL!
Your mother is so fat that the back of her neck looks like a package of sausages.
Your mother is so fat that before god said, "Let there be light" he told her to move out of the way.
You mother's teeth are so yellow, she can spit butter.
Your mother's teeth are so black, she spits ink.
Your mother is so old, instead of passing gas she passes dust.
I have heard that you have 2 brains! Unfortunately, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
I understand you have Van Gogh's ear for music.
You lost your mind when a butterfly kicked you in the head.
You're so dumb, you play solitaire...for cash.
Your sister is so ugly, even the tide will not go out with her.
I heard you went to a freak show and got in FREE!
I hear you come from a long line of first cousins.
You've found a new profession, taste-tester for Alpo.
You were so ugly as a child, your mother breast fed you through a straw.
You're so dumb, you need a cue card to say "Huh?"
You're so dumb, your fingers and toes are numbered.
You're so dumb, the only thing you got on your IQ test was drool.
You're so dumb, you need instructions on how to use a rocking chair.
You're so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
I hear you're a farmer's daughter and that you can't keep your calves together.
I hear you're a cabinetmaker's daughter and everyone knows what's in your drawers.
I hear you're a gravedigger's daughter and you'll lie under any sod.
I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
I would have been your father (mother), but the dog (sheep) beat me upstairs.
You are so dumb, you got a job climbing trees because you wanted to be a branch manager.
Your mother is like a carpenter's dream...flat as a board and easy to nail.
I heard they peeled off your makeup and found a whole nother painting underneath.
You are so ugly, that in 20 countries it is illegal for you to marry.
If I could afford the wood, I'd have your mouth boarded up.
Your mother is so ugly, that when she entered an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Your mother is so fat, her shadow weighs 50 pounds.
Your mother is so fat, when she went to the zoo, elephants threw her peanuts.
Your mother is so ugly, her face can stop a sun dial.
Your breath is so bad, that when you yawn, your teeth duck out of the way.
Your mother is not really so bad. I hear she would give you the hair off her back.
Your mother is so fat, when she took her clothes to be laundered, they said, "Sorry, we don't do tents."
Your mother is so fat, she wears a sign that says, "Caution, Wide Turn".
You're so dumb, you'd have to dig for your IQ.
Your mother is so fat that she sweats bacon grease.
Your mother is twice the man you are.
You are so dumb, you couldn't pour water out of your boots if the instructions were written on the heel.
You're so dumb, you think bigotry is an Italian tree.
You're so dumb, you think a bigamist is Italian fog.
Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.
You're so dumb, you think a naval academy is a school for belly-dancers.
Your father is so dumb, he has to take his clothes off to count to 21 and even then he only gets to 20-1/2.
Ever since I saw your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
You're so ugly, that when you went to the zoo, a baboon blew in your ear.
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
You're so stupid that if I gave you a penny for your intelligence, I'd get change back.
I heard they had to burn down the school to get you out of the 3rd grade.
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
Your parents must really be good people to pick up a piglet by the side of the road and raise it as their own.
Your mother is so fat, she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand.
Your mother is so fat, when she sings - it's over!
